I'm Just Going to Ride My Brontosaurus from Now On

Today is so terrible.
Terrible not as in awful things have happened, just terrible as in excruciatingly boring. I was called off work because they couldn't afford me. No one was coming in because of this weather. It can't decide if it wants to rain or snow, so poor little Charlie is going to be frozen shut by the time I absolutely have to leave for my test. It makes me so sad. And it doesn't help that it's been so cloudy, which makes me really tired. I just want to curl up and sleep. I don't even really want to leave the house. But if I don't, then I will miss my first exam, and I won't see Chelsea or Aaron tonight, and we all have plans again.
The snow is beautiful, don't get me wrong. But the shoveling and the driving in it is what I hate. If I had it my way, it would snow Christmas Eve through New Year's and then we'd have 70/80 degree weather the rest of the year. And when it did snow, it would never touch the roads, sidewalks, driveways, or parking lots. I think I could find a way to pull that off, don't you? Complete weather control? It'd be awesome!
But then again, I'd also have people riding a Brontosaurus to school and have a T-Rex instead of a guard dog.
And you'd be able to eat whatever you wanted, and once you hit your calorie limit for the day, the rest was all zero calorie. And Twinkies would still exist. Plus, when I had kids, they'd just automatically come out knowing manners, and how to communicate effectively. Not to mention they'd be pre-potty trained.
Bacon would definitely be zero calorie.
No question there.
Sweatpants would be sexy.
And it would just be awesome in general.

I just heard about a town called Baconsville, TX. Guess where my road trip destination is.
I don't remember what brought it up last night at dinner, but I vaguely remember saying that if man-junk was made out of bacon, blow jobs wouldn't be so off limits to me. And yes, I said this at dinner. It's how me and the boys talk. Steven even responded with adding, "...and if jizz was nacho cheese..." to which I backfired, "Um, no, maple syrup."
We're all fucked up. It's okay. It makes life and dinner conversation a whole hell of a lot more interesting than most homes. It's how we do.

But anyways, bacon would be a big part of my little world.
My diet would consist of spiral mac'n'cheese, crescent rolls, Chinese food, cottage cheese, fruit (oranges oranges oranges), and cupcakes. The epitome of healthy eating. And like I said, it'd be just fine, because as soon as I reached my limit, everything else would be practically nonexistent!
Cooked mushrooms and onions (in any other form but onion rings) would be outlawed. No question about it. Or they'd be punishment for trivial crimes. A month of eating nothing but onions and cooked mushrooms. Bam. I'd be the biggest fricking saint in my world.