I've had a lot of things going on lately, and I've met a lot of people, and I've had a lot of bills. And all of these things started to make me think:
Where am I going in life?
What should I be doing to better prepare myself?
Should I attempt to move out with friends?
and many more questions.
And I realized something. No matter how old you get, no matter what steps you take, you never EVER know what the f*** you're doing. All of these adults that look like they have life figured out? They don't. They still have times where they don't know what to do. And that makes me feel a lot better.
Is it still a good idea to plan? Hell yes! But if you happen to fall off the path you set for yourself, is it a crisis? No. because everyone's been there. Everyone's had days where they question what they are, what they have been, and what they will become. They have days where they question WHERE the are, where they've been, and where they will go. And that's just life.
I recently had a fairly large meltdown in relation to bills and my job and school and everything else that's been handed to me. It started with me realizing that at the end of this month, I will have been out of my parent's house for a year, and not by choice. That in November, I will have been at the same dead-end job for a year, and that I haven't gotten anywhere near leaving for something better. That I still don't know everything about the world. And that I never will.
But after all of the tears and the curse words and the Kleenex, I pulled on my big girl pants and said, "Oh well." I can't control other people, or companies, or how our monetary system in this country works. But I can control myself.
And that's exactly what I am going to do.
Will it be graceful? Probably not.
Will I do everything right? Hell no.
But at the end of it all, will I be proud that I did it on my own? You bet your ass I will.
So I've made plans. Plans to better myself, plans to have what I want out of life, and plans to get what I deserve.
As a child, you're asked, "what do you want to be when you grow up?" I'd like to know how many of those kids actually grow up to be exactly what they wanted to be in Kindergarten. I know in my yearbook, there was a kid that said "superhero." Another said "drive a choo choo like daddy." And me? I wanted to be a
ballerina. Most of the girls in the yearbook wanted to be ballerinas to be real with you. And how many of them will do it? Well, I can tell you that at least one will not be such, and you are reading her blog right now.
So many things change from when you're five. So many things change everyday that it's almost impossible to know exactly what you're going to be when you "grow up." And here's a question for you: What constitutes being "grown up?" Is it being a legal adult? Being financially stable? Successful? Happy? What is "grown up?" And if being successful is being "grown up," who is to tell you the definition to "success?" In my eyes, true happiness is success. As long as I am happy with my life, then I have succeeded. And no one can tell me that I did it wrong, or that my life isn't complete, or that I haven't "grown up."
So here is my (tentative) plan.
I will complete my Associate's Degree.
Then, I will figure out what it takes to be a certified para for disabled kids in the school district. If it's a plausible thing for me to accomplish, then I will do it. If not, I will still apply for the job, as it only requires 30 college hours. I'd just like to have both under my belt to have an advantage when applying.
When/If I get the job (high demand, no one likes to do it), my name will be in the district, and I'll have my foot in the door for future positions I hope to have.
I'll take night/online/summer courses to complete my Early Childhood Education certificate, and then hopefully be able to transfer over to being a teacher in the district's Kindergarten.
And then, I will be happy.
Then, I will have "grown up."
I also have decided to kick this weight loss thing's ass. I got very lazy about it, and I now weigh even more than before. An even 186 to be exact. I am not happy with that.
My problem is motivation. If I have to go by myself, it won't happen. But if I have someone to hold me accountable, I'll do it. So Rachel and I are GOING to do the Couch to 5K if it kills us. I arranged my work availability so that I have no excuse not to work out after class on Mondays and Wednesdays. I have a lot of weight to get rid of, and I'm going to do it, damnit. I'm taking small steps to change my habits, but they're steps, and that's more than some people can say.
I'm going to start eating more fruit than junk food, drinking more water than pop, eating smaller portions. And I'm going to run again. I'm determined to run again.
When I ran XC in high school, it wasn't just about working out. It was about stressing out, and then blowing off steam by running. It was about looking good, feeling good, and being able to eat whatever I wanted and know that the next day, I'd run it off. It was about me being happy, and more importantly, healthy.
So when school starts, so does the new me. Well, the running part, anyhow. The eating thing I started today, kindof. I am going to take advantage of the time I have given myself, and take advantage of the bike path on campus, and not give a flying f*** who sees my ass, legs, arms, anything jiggling. Because one day, they're going to walk by me, and there will be less jiggle. There will be less of me, physically. But there will be more of me, too. I'll be more confident, more proud, more happy.
And THAT is what counts.
So no matter who you are, what you do, where you are...
Be happy.
Live life how you want to, because if you don't, someone else will.
