Either way, it made me start thinking about how many "friends" I have on Facebook, and thinking about it just kind of made me want to delete my account and start over. I didn't do that, that would have been too much work, and I know that all of my old stuff would still be out on the internet anyways. Luckily, they changed the settings so you can edit your friends from your list instead of having to go through each individual's page...so I went through and deleted a decent number of people, about 40 total. I have a little over 100 friends. Some that I'm really close to, some I can't bear to delete because we've been friends for so long in real life. Even if we don't talk in real life, it's nice to keep up with some of the people I stayed friends with for pretty much my entire life. And some of those friends are just friends' family or family friends. So I think I have a decent number considering all of the people I used to have when I first started friend-weeding (that's what I call this periodic sweep of unneeded "friends").
Included in the friend sweep was a certain ex that everyone (who knows me well enough, that is) would be very proud of me deleting. He was just someone I remained friends with for no good reason, honestly. We hardly ever talk anymore, and when we do, he almost always tries to persuade me into coming over to either his house or his college, and my attitude towards that has always just been, "No." He'll probably get pissy like the last time that I deleted him, but I don't care anymore. That part of my life is over. And all you girls who know who I'm talking about, I can feel you rolling your eyes and saying, "suuuuure you are," because I've said it before, for about 6 years now. But I'm serious. I don't need people like that in my life.I'm starting to realize how many real friends I have, and I can tell that by the decreasing number of them that I'm growing up. On average, as said by my PSY professor, adults only have between 4 & 6 genuine friends. Sounds about right to me.
Even the group of guys is getting weird anymore. One of them makes everything difficult, and occasionally pisses everyone off. But with me, things are different because we dated early back in high school; so he makes absolute sure that it's hell when he's there with me. He just loves to piss me off, or give me the silent treatment. He's begun to drive a wedge between me and everyone else too, and honestly, if they're going to let that happen, then I guess we aren't as good of friends as we'd all thought. I'm not saying he's totally to blame, because I know I also partake in the hell making on occasion, but I think I'm just over all of the high school level drama that's going on anymore.
And yes, I realize that friends go through weird phases where you're always with a certain group for a few months, then another group, then another, until you come back full circle. But I want my circle to be smaller. Less friendships that I have to maintain means that I'll be able to maintain them better, and have greater friendships than if my circle was large. I mean, think about it. If you had 80 children that you had to take care of versus about 3, the 3 kids are going to get more attention and have closer relationships with their parents than the family with 80 kids. And I often feel like the motherly friend in all of my groups anyways, so comparing my friends to children really isn't that far fetched. I'm always the one to give advice, the shoulder to cry on, the outlet to vent to. I can't be there for everyone and understand everyone's problems all at once. Especially when I'm having my own to deal with on occasion. Someone will feel left out or less loved and I'm going to end up being the one crabbed at about it in the end. So I'd rather nip that in the butt before it happens. I'd rather tend to the friendships I think are worth keeping than to waste time on the ones that are not. I'm sorry if you end up being one of those people that I don't tend to. But it's nice to feel like I'm appreciated by the people I care about, and the people who make me feel that way are the ones who will always be there for me. It's a natural cycle.
Mostly, I'm doing this in hopes of starting over. After my experiences in 2012, I began to realize that I didn't really seem to have a purpose. I was just kind of there to be there. I didn't think for myself, I let others make decisions for me. I lived my life through others, and I lost myself somewhere along the way. Well I'm starting over. I'm becoming who I want to be, without any limitations. I'm not giving up on my old life, my old friends. I'm not forgetting my old life, my old memories. But I'm definitely making room for new ones.I'm making room for new people to enter my life, and making more room for those that want to stay. Most of all, I'm learning to let go. You can't move forward without realizing that you're human, and that you'll make mistakes here and there. Mine was letting go of myself and getting lost in the tumultuous environment of high school and superficial relationships, useless friendships. And maybe this will be viewed as a mistake later on in my life, I don't know yet. But I know that I need to start finding myself. My relationship with Aaron is anything but superficial, and my friendships beyond him are anything but useless.
I still believe this, though...
Mistakes are inevitable in life. You're bound to make them. It's whether you learn from them or not that differentiates them into two different categories. One is Experience, from which you've learned. The other is Insanity, from which you expect different results from performing the same actions.
So here's to letting go, moving forward, and finding yourself. Here is to me becoming everything that I can be.
To ship this blog off with some pep, here's a link to a pretty fitting SafetySuit song, called, you guessed it....
Let Go
Cheers.
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