I go in to get my wrist taken care of on Weds morning. Hopefully it's going to be quick, I'd like to work some more in Ceramics. I walked in today, and my prof goes, "Guess you're dropping the class." I walked over to my table, set my stuff down, and said, "Guess not." She obviously doesn't know me, because I'm stubborn as a bull. I'm staying in the class. It cost me enough for materials, I'm not just throwing that money away. My elephant's main head component is almost finished. It's one heavy son of a b**** so far, and I still need to add his ears and tusks. His trunk is almost finished, I think.
The best part of my day of course was Aaron as usual. He makes me forget about the real world. When I'm just laying there with him, all I can think is, "I never want to leave this place."
I'm feeling awfully lame tonight. Just in a sighing mood. I'm bored.
I feel like when I'm "home," I'm not. I don't like being here, being reminded of how my parents don't bother to care ever since they kicked me out. Anytime we do see each other, it's a nag fest. Do this, do that, why didn't you do this, you should have told me about this.... it's like I never got kicked out. Nothing I ever do is right for my mom, I swear. Dad might feel the same way, but at least he doesn't act like I'm the biggest disappointment on Earth. And living with Grandma just makes me feel like shit. I just... she raised one kid, and she shouldn't have to house another. I feel terrible. I just don't feel like I really belong anywhere. I feel more welcome at other people's homes than I do here. I miss being able to just show up at Allie's and know that I could just walk in without question. But now that summer's gone, it's different somehow. And oddly enough, I miss having the routine of getting kicked out at 9 a.m. and having to drive out to Brandon's. I miss knowing that I had somewhere to go where I was always wanted. And now I don't have that feeling. I don't feel like I have anywhere I can just go. And I know Grandma cares, or else I wouldn't have a place to even call "home." But I'm never home because I feel like all I do is stress her out and hike up her water and electric bills. I don't feel like I should be here. I don't feel like I deserve anything better than sleeping in my car or storage unit like I had to a few times before. I just don't feel good enough sometimes. This is one of those times. It's hard to explain, and none of you will probably ever see me breakdown about it. I'm great at faking it, the happiness and the smiles. There are very few things that make me genuinely happy in this world, and I have none of them with me right now. So I guess goodnight, if that's what you want to call it. I'll leave you guys alone now. I guess that Tonight I Wanna Cry is all. Going to eat some cold pizza and watch Alfred Hitchcock and hope I get a notification that RVC will be closed again tomorrow. I need a pick me up.
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