Same Old Song and Dance, My Friend

I really feel that this is going to be a really awful post. I know I want to write, but I don't know what to talk about specifically, so it might be a little bit crazier than usual.
I guess I could briefly talk about my birthday, not that anything super elaborate or special happened. I spent the daytime doing what I love most, curling up at Aaron's and being a bum. We went to get his new phone, and then just watched TV until we had to meet my folks for dinner. He bought me a beautiful bunch of flowers, which made me very happy, because it meant he finally accepted the Chicago trip as my gift.
There weren't any awful parts, but I was still on edge all night. I had to throw him to the wolfpack, my mother included. But they all were on their best behavior for him, thank god. I made out pretty well for my birthday, considering. I just have to make sure I spend the money on the bills I have first, rather than on the things I want. Plus, Mom took me shopping so I should be okay for a little while for new clothes.

Daisies, one of my favorites :)

I'm having a dilemma with my phone. I want to put all of this stuff on it, like music and such, but I don't have enough storage space. I also am having a dilemma with my wallet in turn, because I would need to get a microSD card big enough to last awhile, which would probably have to be a 16 or 32 GB card. Buuuut like I said, bills before wants. Gotta keep my priorities straight.

Speaking of which, the end of the semester is coming up, which is both exciting and terrifying all at once. I just feel this...doom looming over my head. All of my profs deciding to give you these massive projects due all in the same week. Like my ECE class, a 100 point portfolio on childcare, and of which has not been explained very well whatsoever. May 9th. BIO, a group project (of which my group was reduced a member today, as he dropped the course) on Genetic Counseling. May 6th. BIO, a paper on a genetic disease, which is too hard for me to decide on (though one was mentioned today in class that intrigued me a bit). May 6th. Ceramics, 6 bowls, 2 mugs, 2 vases, and a coil pot, April 25th.... like seriously??? That'll be the class that gets me. I'm trying to do it in bits and pieces, pace myself. 

I finished 4 bowls today that I've been working on for a while. They're not perfect, but they're done. Which is what matters to me. Throwing is getting more difficult, I'm discovering. I keep messing up my walls, trying to make them thinner than they want to be. It's becoming a real problem, because they just all of a sudden go flying off the wheel into my hand or lap, and I have to start all over again with another wedge of clay. Such a waste of time (says the girl that left about an hour early today because she didn't feel like doing anything other than trimming bowls). I think as long as I actually stay the whole time in class the rest of the semester, I should be fine. It's just a motivational thing.

Like so many other things, my problem is motivation. Though after last night, I think I may have reached a mini-breaking point on one issue. I just don't like myself, and I can feel it becoming a real issue. I just see myself in this terrible light, and I can say I want to fix it all I want, but until I do it, all I am is talk. I keep being told that I have no reason to worry, as well, which is both counter productive and a beautiful lie.

I'm fat. I know I'm fat. I can feel it when I sit down. When I walk and my belly jiggles. When I'm curled up with Aaron and he wraps his arm around me. But I think my biggest problem is knowing that the shirts I bought last summer to be flowy...aren't flowy anymore. And I look at pictures from last year's Summerfest, and realize that I was gaining weight even then, and it just makes me mad at myself. I look at my legs and think, dear god, why did no one tell me, because some of those shorts were god awful. And then I see the progression of "baby fat" to "looks like a baby bump but it's really just a food baby" to just plain "fat" around my midsection. I had a stereotypical girl moment last night when he curled up around me to watch Hunger Games. I actually felt like crying (a lot, too), which is ridiculous, and I know it's ridiculous, because Aaron loves me the way I am. But I don't want him to have to love me the way I am, because I don't want to love me the way I am, and I probably never will. I just need to get up and do something about it. He makes jokes about how he's getting fat, and I just want to smack him a little bit for it. While I know he's joking, it always makes me think, if he's fat then I'm a whale. So that's always nice. And while I try to joke about my own weight occasionally, there's always a hint of seriousness in it. But for whatever reason unforeseen to me, Aaron doesn't seem to care that he's dating someone that looks pregnant after she eats and has serious love handles and thunder thighs. I want him to be able to flaunt me, not drag me along like his pet cow. I want him to have a reason to be proud to be seen with me, I guess, because I don't see why he would be right now.

I guess it's just summer coming that's making me upset about all of this. He'd probably rather have a confident thick girlfriend than a self conscious skinny one. Or at least I can hope so, because no matter how much I say I want it gone, I really don't feel like it's going to happen anytime soon.

“I like to complain and do nothing to make things better.”
— Kurt Cobain

I don't really know why I have these random cat pictures, but oh well. They're both fairly amusing in my opinion, though. I think I'm going to try to finish this episode of Burns & Allen and maybe get some shut eye, though. I make myself weary these days.

I'm but a wisp of a person, being carried by the mundane day-to-day chaos that is my life. And by chaos, I mean the constant worry of bills and small paychecks, and things like that.

I'm really thankful for the people I have close to me in my life. They get me through a lot. I'm really thankful for the two extra families I've picked up along the way. Allie's family is truly the best family I could ask for from a best friend. They're going to be stuck with me for the rest of time whether they want a third child or not. And Aaron's family is the best group of crazies that I'd like to keep around for a long while. We might actually be that weird family where the wife gets along with her in-laws someday (or at least I'd hope we'd still get along by the time we would get married).

Anyways, I said I was going to go to bed... so here's the Same Old Song and Dance routine...and have fun.

Goodnight y'all. Sorry to have dumped my insecurities on you. Have a wonderful next few days, folks :)