This is the new me.

So a little late, but today I've decided on something sort of like a new year's resolution. More like a pact with myself though.

I quit.

What do I quit? you may ask

Well THIS is what I quit.

I've noticed that I care entirely too much about what everyone else thinks of me, how they view me, how they treat me. I notice that I take care of everyone else's issues before I take care of my own, and when I blow up, everyone thinks it's completely unwarranted.

Well, it's not.

I'm not a doormat. I don't have to take it, and I won't.

I'm making changes in my life, and if you suddenly stop hearing from me, then you are one of those changes.

I don't need people who walk all over me in my life. I don't need people who treat me as a disposable friend, or a friend of convenience. Oh, your relationship failed? Well guess what?SO DID MINE. You want to vent about it? SO DID I. But guess what else? I didn't. I kept it to myself, because I knew that someone else that I cared about needed some support, maybe more than I did, maybe not. So no, I'm not totally over the relationship that I was in for a year with someone I truly thought was "the one." And yes, it has been almost 6 months since he decided to tell me that we had to break up because "he just stopped loving me and didn't know why." But I think that's one of the hardest things to hear, especially from someone you made such an effort with. Someone who meant the world to you.And did I mention the string of events that happened AFTER that? Well here it is:

Brandon "stops loving" me. We break up. August 13

First semester of college starts. August 20

My parents kicked me out of the house. Sept 1

Then, I lost my job.

But you know something?

I made it through all of that. I got a new job within the week.I passed all of my classes. I moved in with my Grandma. I started hanging out with old friends, and meeting new people, even admitting to not only myself, but to another individual, that I had never gotten over our break up from a few years back.

I started living my life without Brandon, and mostly without my parents.

But things don't always go right. I made stupid decisions, blew any chance I had with the one other guy I had ever truly loved besides Brandon. Had some fights with my girlfriends. But somehow, I still have all of them in my life.

All of my guy friends are still there for me, even the one that shouldn't be. I have Colin, Steven, Zach, and Andrew.

All of my girl friends are still there for me. I have Allison, Rachel, Morgan, Chelsea, Stephanie, and Alicia. 

And that is what matters to me. I have people who really care, and those are the people I am keeping around for as long as I can. They are the ones who have always been there for me, and who always will.

So everyone who I've helped in the past, you're welcome. But to those of you who expect me to drop everything and help you out later, I am sorry. I have things of my own to take care of, my own relationships to fix and to build. So you guys need to learn how to take care of your own issues like I have been doing for years.

Also, I quit caring about what YOU think about my body. I have perpetual food baby syndrome, and I have stretchmarks, and I have scars, and yes, occasionally, I get a zit. But guess what? Anyone who is worth my time is going to accept me the way I am. Any changes I have been making are not for you. They are soley for me. Some of you have asked me if I started working out because I initally toyed with the idea that Brandon had been unsatisfied with my weight towards the relationshp, and wasn't attracted to me anymore. And you know what I say to those people? "F*** him. It has nothing to do with him." Because it really doesn't. It has everything to do with the fact that I was unhappy with myself. I was disappointed that I couldn't fit into some of my favorite jeans anymore. So no, he had nothing to do with it.

This is a new year. This WILL be a new me. A me that has stopped caring so much about everyone else's issues. A me that will take care of me. A me that will be 100% honest with myself.

And if you ask for my opinion, I'll be 100% honest with you. So if you want to ask me about if those jeans make you look fat, you better be prepared for honesty.

If I tell you something that I know will make you angry with me, something I know is stupid, but I tell you anyways, you should realize how much courage it takes me to tell you. Because I know that I'm telling you something that you don't want to hear. But I'm telling you because I want there to be absolutely no secrets between us. Especially if you're someone I want a beyond-friendship relationship with. I'm going to make you angry. I'm going to disappoint you. I'm human. But I can at least try to be a better person, and that is what I am doing. So please. Try to see things from my perspective, and try to understand that I need to fix me before I can fix you. Because it's been a long time coming.

So yes. I am changing. I am a different Alexis than most of you have known and been friends with for years. But I think that in time, you will get used to it, and learn to appreciate the level of honesty I have. I may not always be there every second you need a buddy, or need to vent. But I will try. I'm just going to be a little less involved in trying to fix you. Because I need time for fixing me as well.

I love you all, but sometimes, you just make me mad.

So this is my pact:

I am fixing me before I am fixing you.

I am not holding back my feelings anymore. I will say what I mean, and mean what I say.

I will lose those extra 30 pounds for me, not for you, or him, or him, or that cute guy at the gas station.

I will tell you not what you want to hear, but what you need to hear.

I will improve me for me.

I am me, and I won't change for anyone but me.